This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
