I think I won the penis lottery.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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