My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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