Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
