Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
