dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
