last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
