god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
