what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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