She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
