I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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