You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Someone signed my nipple.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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