I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
