I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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