I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
