Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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