Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
