Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
