I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
