Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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