she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Randomize
