Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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