he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
