they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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