I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
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