Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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