The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
