I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
