Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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