i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
