Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
