I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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