I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
