i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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