I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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