Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
