Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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