Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
