Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
All I want is dick and wine.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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