Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
