I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
