It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
