Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
