Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
