I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
