Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
