i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
