if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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