Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
