She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
