So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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