fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Couch. On fire.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
